Evidence everywhere that the world has gone officially mad

How ruddy annoying are bagels? Why does anyone buy bagels? My wife likes bagels and my kids love bagels, but I hate bagels. Life is way too short to be messing about with bloody bagels. Bagels are evil and anybody who disagrees with me about this is wrong. I am not in the mood for debate.

Bagels are clearly so proud of their silly hole, but these unnecessary cavities cause carnage to human kind. How do you butter a bagel without losing half your Lurpak down the irksome hollow? It requires the precision of a brain surgeon. Throw some jam into the equation and you have essentially set yourself Mission Impossible.

I am struggling to handle the negative impact of bagels on my brain – and the various other challenges of an increasingly maddening world. I can't be the only one approaching a state of absolute bewilderment? Come on, be honest with me – are you bewildered?