James Milton: All aboard the England bandwagon – at least until normal service is resumed

I've never had much time for England fans wallowing in self-pity about their team's woes.

All right, the Three Lions have gone 58 years without winning a tournament but Wales went 58 years without even qualifying for one before their glorious Euro 2016 campaign.

So Harry Kane, Jude Bellingham and Phil Foden aren't quite as brilliant for England as they are for Bayern Munich, Real Madrid and Manchester City? 

Spare a thought for Scotland, who have scored four goals in their last nine matches at European Championship finals, including an Antonio Rudiger own goal and a massively deflected Scott McTominay strike at this tournament.

In fact, over the last decade, England supporters have been almost as spoiled as Manchester City or Real Madrid aficionados.

My eight-year-old daughter has seen the Three Lions reach a World Cup semi-final and quarter-final and two European Championship finals – as well as cheering on the Lionesses to Euro 2022 glory and the final of the 2023 World Cup.     

Admittedly she has also lived through a global pandemic and relentless geopolitical mayhem but these things even themselves out of the course of a season.

Is this the new normal, then? England regularly reaching the business end of big tournaments? Not only winning penalty shootouts but winning them with swag and rizz? I'm not quite sure what those words mean but I've heard the cool kids say them...

Of course, nothing surrounding the England national football team can ever be described as 'normal'. The Sun, for example, have been billing England supporters' travel plans for the final as the "March on Berlin" or a "Berlin Airlift". Not for me, Clive.

Half the country still want Gareth Southgate to be sacked before kick-off at the Olympiastadion while the other half is eager to see him knighted.

Hills dangled odds of 8-1 about both Southgate and US president Joe Biden resigning before the end of next week although, sadly, Graham Potter is favourite to replace only one of the two.

Everybody is scrambling for a fresh take on the final. Excited tabloid reports suggest Spanish wonderkid Lamine Yamal will have to be substituted if the match goes to extra-time due to German child-labour laws.

Apparently Spain could be punished with a £25,000 fine if Yamal's shift drags on beyond 11pm so they should probably have a whip-round in the dressing-room just in case.

La Roja coach Luis de la Fuente has already masterminded European Championship triumphs at Under-19 and Under-21 level.

Presumably once De la Fuente gets his hands on the senior trophy he will lead Spain Veterans to continental glory, then take charge of their walking-football team, who would be, pardon the pun, big runners in their version of the Euros.

Inevitably, all sorts of unlikely companies are desperately leaping aboard the England bandwagon. It doesn't take a marketing genius to work out that fans watching the final will want to drink beer, eat unhealthy snacks and place bet builders featuring every England outfield player scoring at least one goal.

But I can do without manufacturers of piles cream cheerily declaring: 'We'll make sure you're sitting comfortably even if the big match goes to penalties!'

Prince William suddenly thinks he's one of the lads and Keir Starmer is teasing us with the prospect of a celebratory bank holiday if Kieran Trippier manages to put in a decent cross with his left foot.

It's enough to make diehard supporters ask: "Where were you when we were s***?" Like in the second half of Wednesday's semi-final. Or the first 94 minutes against Slovakia. Or the whole of the group stage. Or the warm-up defeat to Iceland. Yes, this England team is really spoiling us.

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