James Bond and horseracing: perfect bedfellows, if only the writers could see it

James Bond is back, apparently, despite half a century of being shot at by every psychopath who could afford the bullets. No Time To Die goes on release in Britain this week and the trailer makes it look jolly exciting, if you like that sort of thing, but the Front Runner is disappointed to note an absence of references to horseracing in the advance publicity.

Bond and horseracing should be a natural fit. After all, he's spent his whole life in a world where a glamorous facade obscures a more complicated reality, where he must constantly assess risk and reward, where alliances form and are broken in a moment, where his survival depends on being able to distinguish between villains, fools and the vulnerably well-behaved.

Or, to be a bit less abstract about it, he is obviously the guy everyone would turn to for tips on the MI6 works outing to Fontwell. And in fact we do see him back a winner but, unless my memory is failing me, only once and in rather regrettable circumstances.

It happens in A View To A Kill, Roger Moore's last outing, at which point the films were not taking themselves at all seriously and indeed were in some danger of straying into Carry On territory. Bond's superiors have become interested in the racehorse owner Max Zorin, so they all potter along en masse to Royal Ascot, where he has a runner.

Of course, it wins. "Unbelievable," mutters a trainer who is advising MI6. "I've never seen a horse run such a fast last furlong." Ha! Sectional timing in 1985, a likely story.

Anticipating such a turn of events, Bond has had a few quid on Zorin's horse and, in a piece of gallantry that has dated about as well as the rest of the movie, sends Miss Moneypenny off to collect with promises of buying her dinner on the proceeds.

It turns out that official interest in Zorin is entirely justified and in fact he is doping his horses to delay the onset of fatigue. So 007 has used inside information, obtained during his work as a government agent, to profit from cheating. I hope, but somehow doubt, he had the good grace to refund his bookie when he found out the truth. Moneypenny's dinner would turn to ashes in her mouth if she knew.

Just about the zaniest racing-related detail in A View To A Kill is the means of getting the drugs into the horse, which is done in mid-race and triggered by the jockey pressing a button on top of his whip. No wonder people were prepared to believe in Greville Starkey being zapped by a stun gun after sitting through this.

There's something for the whole racing industry in A View To A Kill, breeders being entertained by Zorin using his powerful computer in his enormous Chantilly chateau to select the most propitious matings. No "Send them all to Sadler's Wells" for this guy.

"Would you be interested primarily in stamina or speed?" he asks Bond, who is posing as a prospective owner. "A little of both would be ideal," Roger replies. I couldn't be completely sure they're not being smutty at this point but let's take it at face value. "I think I have just the horse for you," Zorin says, and which owner has not heard that a million times? So the dialogue writers didn't get everything wrong.

Horse names are a problem in A View To A Kill. The Ascot winner is Pegasus, for crying out loud. The founding stallion of Zorin's bloodstock empire is a grey called Misty. Presumably the producers consulted a nine-year-old for these, though I suppose they still beat Gearys Cold Rolled.

A View To A Kill marks the peak interest in racing shown by Bond producers, though there is quite a bit of the Palio di Siena at the start of Quantum Of Solace. The Queen's Stand at Epsom turns up in Goldeneye, pretending to be St Petersburg airport. Ascot's interior is dressed up as Shanghai airport for about half a minute in Skyfall.

It's not enough, is it, bearing in mind that Bond is supposed to be a super-skilled gambler. I couldn't count the number of times he is shown in casinos, engaging in the most muggy form of gambling known to man.

If the producers really want us to respect him, they should show him musing: "Drawn high over five at Beverley, I don't think so. Unless ... fetch me the weather forecast for East Yorkshire!"

But perhaps they feel hampered by Ian Fleming, who penned quite an evocative description of Saratoga in Diamonds Are Forever but then dropped in this blow to the solar plexus: "It suddenly occurred to Bond that although he wasn't in the least interested in horses, he rather liked the life that went with them."

Not interested in horses??? That means you and I have more in common with Zorin than 007, which is a troubling lens through which to watch A View To A Kill.

On the other hand, Fleming's hopelessly outmoded Bond is not really with us these days, so there's plenty of room for the scriptwriters to change things up. The sort of modern hero who would appeal to the kids is definitely one who knows the difference between Exeter and Newton Abbot, and what better opportunity to show it than when a new actor takes over the role for the next movie?

The Front Runner is available for a consultancy role. Let's see if we can find a way for Bond to pick his own winner this time . . .